In my youth, the most terrifying thing for me was to tell the truth. I knew in the face of hard questions, disappointment and confrontations that the result of truth would most likely be physical violence against myself and at best mental and emotional bullying.
I tried my hardest as a small framed boy to be “good”, but the constant result of truth was pain unfortunately. I didn’t have someone there to reward me for bravery and honesty.
As time went on I got pretty good at lying. In fact I didn’t even see it as lying. Instead small “white lies” meant to sooth my adversaries became a part of my daily routine. What I didn’t realize was what this was doing to my mental health and happiness.
By the time I was in my late 20s I had developed massive anxiety with panic attacks and a feeling of constant upset stomach.
Changing my behavior
A terrible but necessary point in my life was went everything seemed to come to a head in the honesty department. People I loved were hurt and felt rightfully betrayed by me.
Weakly defending myself didn’t last long and quite quickly I fell into depression and sadness feeling unlovable and humiliated for my deceptions.
For a time I tried to justify my behavior as “OK” based on my childhood, the treatment from those who had never wanted the truth and so on. Gratefully I was able to eventually see that it not only was partially my fault, it was all my fault.
Every time I would smooth over the truth for other’s feelings, or outright lie to protect myself, I was signaling that my needs and worth weren’t worth much if anything. If I didn’t stand up for myself and behind myself, who would? The answer? Nobody, and that’s exactly what happened.
An interesting thing happened during this depressing time in my life though. I was caught up in deep depression, unconsolable and gently checked in on my extended family who knew something was wrong but not quite sure of what.
The interesting thing that happened was that my anxiety stopped.
Completely.
I had previously needed daily medication with occasional stronger meds for panic attacks and for 6 months I went along sad and lonely but also not realizing that I didn’t have a shred of nerves.
I’m not a psychiatrist nor a doctor of any kind, so I can’t speak as to why this happened. All I know is that it was like something broke in the “care” region of my brain and I no longer worried about the consequences of what I said or did.
I decided to rely wholly on doing what I felt was the right and honest thing in each situation regardless of the consequences good or bad.
It took a lot of practice and is something I still have to pause and consciously consider to this day, but over time I was able to speak the truth instead of the self defending lies I was used to.
The only thing I can ascribe this change to in my brain was that the most horrible thing had happened to me in my imagination. Being found out as a fraud by the people I love.
Not having anything left to hide and being fully exposed eventually leads to a realization of what is and isn’t important, who does and doesn’t love you and most importantly how much you have neglected yourself and your sense of self worth.
Fast forward to today
I’m by no means perfect at telling the absolute truth, but I am much better than I used to be. My goal is to pause long enough to say what is true in all circumstances in the kindest way I can.
As an example:
I attend church most weeks with my family. While in the chapel, yes the chapel. A man came up to me to try and make me angry. He cited that I had been an annoying neighbor and being relatively new to the community should consult with others before I know if I am “allowed” to do certain things with my property. In this case he was referring to me planting seeds in my pasture and that it had made some of the old-time residents angry at me.
I don’t think it was a coincidence that he confronted me in the middle of the chapel. I also don’t think his poorly veiled intent to bully me was hidden very well behind a smile.
I was calm but informed him that I would be doing what I pleased on my property without consulting him or any of the other neighbors who were happy to talk among themselves about me without my presence.
I also asked him to pass along the information to everyone he had been talking to that I had legal rights and would exercise them if necessary to keep peace in my home and on my property.
I wasn’t trying to start a fight, instead I was stating what was actually true, protecting my family and hopefully ending the disagreement letting a bully know that it wouldn’t be fun to keep poking me with a stick.
I haven’t heard anything since from him or the neighbors.
In the past I would have looked much more like a George McFly in the circumstance being confronted by the brainless but physically overpowering Biff in Back to the Future.
Sure they could have and might still be angry and retaliate against me, but the realization I’ve had is that even the thought of death itself still isn’t strong enough for me to want to go back to the place where my worth and peace aren’t valuable enough to me to tell the truth.
Finding the courage in your own life
Try not lying. If this is something you struggle with, believe me I do understand how hard that can be.
I also understand the feeling to keep the peace.
Still, you have value and your feelings do matter. It will be incredibly awkward and painful at first, but over time those who don’t want to hear the truth will stop asking questions.
More valuable relationships will come to you first in their time of need and some you didn’t expect will fall off your radar completely.
For sure though, you won’t know from day to day what will happen.
Every day will become a wonderful adventure when you no longer try to bend what is going to happen with deceit and formulated answers all meant to make people like you and reward you with smiles and hollow support.
Love yourself enough to be true to yourself. Those with the most value will stay, and those who aren’t ready for truth themselves won’t.
Its worth the trade off.
Take care my friend,
-Joseph
